Living with Purity
This article is meant to serve as a practical guide to steps that help an individual overcome habitual pornography use. This offers no magic formula, but rather the collected wisdom of human experience. A word of encouragement to seek out a good Catholic counselor or priest to consult on what is most significant for you at this time. The Archdiocese offers a list of trusted counselors at this link: https://www.archstl.org/mental-health-support/ (Scroll to the bottom of the page).
Overview: The Three Dimensions of Healing
There are three dimensions to focus on when overcoming habitual pornography use:
Forming relationships conducive to healing.
Addressing spiritual woundedness beneath the compulsive behavior.
Fostering physical habits conducive to well-being and purity.
First Dimension: Forming relationships conducive to healing.
Often the first (and most challenging) step toward healing from compulsive use of pornography is bringing it into the light. For many, it is a big step to return to the sacrament of confession to honestly and clearly confess this sin, and receive the gift of God's mercy through the words of absolution: "I absolve you from your sin in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit."
Beyond confession, the next step is finding an accountability partner or chastity support group (see resources below). It is immensely strengthening to have a trusted friend who accompanies you on the journey to purity.
Shame is the most common emotional response to pornography usage. One who feels overwhelmed with shame cannot think clearly or make prudent decisions. An accountability partner helps to remove shame and instill the virtue of prudence by offering an objective "outside voice". An accountability partnership can be bilateral (they check in for each other), or unilateral (only one checks in while the other supports).
Any given program or partnership will take on a unique method. A few general guidelines to make an accountability partner effective:
1. A radical commitment to honesty is necessary, no matter how shameful one may feel.
2. Have a set time each week when you check in. If one cannot make this time, have a pre-determined "back-up time" that is non-negotiable.
How to check-in effectively:
1. To begin, the partner can ask, "How has this week been for you?" Check in regarding:
1. Any major falls, such as using pornography.
2. Any smaller habits that have been "creeping in," disposing one to impurity.
3. If possible, any identity lies that have disposed one to pornography usage.
2. The response:
1. Affirm the true dignity of the person. If there have been identity lies ("I am bad, perverted, impure. I will never heal."), renounce these lies using the formula, "In the name of Jesus, I renounce the lie that ________. In the name of Jesus, I announce the truth that I am a son/daughter of God, that Jesus has washed away my sins in his blood, and that God desires my full healing and restoration according to his plan."
2. Discuss the circumstances that led to the fall. Has the person ceased to exercise? Was the phone present when it should have been left in the other room? Is there a stressful event in life that should be talked through or at least mentioned? Was a prudential boundary ignored with a significant other?
3. Begin and end with a prayer together. It could simply be a Hail Mary.
Both consistency and honesty are the key to making an accountability partner effective. Confession should also be utilized on a regular basis.
It is also important to foster good friendships in general in life. Joining a sports league, a bible study, or a service group can lead to good friendships built on virtuous activity.
Resources:
The Augustine Way, a sexual-healing group for men: jyanez900@gmail.com
Magdala Ministry, a sexual-healing group for women: (314) 403-3963
Courage, for those experiencing same-sex attraction: aaronnord@archstl.org
Covenant Eyes, software to facilitate accountability: www.covenanteyes.com
Second Dimension: Addressing spiritual woundedness beneath the compulsive behavior.
Spiritual and Psychological Healing
“There is a time to heal.” – Ecclesiastes 3:3
"Lust is never the deepest thing about a person." - Dr. Bob Schuchts
We were made for the delightful intimacy of knowing and loving God even as we are known and loved by Him. We are hardwired to yearn for union with another being, yet this desire is often frustrated. "Wounds" are experiences of alienation that negatively impact our capacity to relate to God, others, or ourselves in a healthy way.
In his book, Be Healed, Dr. Bob Schuchts developed upon the thought of the Church Fathers regarding the experience of our wounded humanity: "Wounds become part of our everyday language and reveal the effects of sin in our lives. We speak freely about feeling rejected, confused, abandoned, afraid, and so forth. Each of these wounds is a particular taste of hell, bringing torment to our soul." - Be Healed, 114.
Pornography is a disordered fulfillment of a holy desire for communion with another. On the spiritual level, growing in knowledge of our own spiritual and psychological wounds offers great insight into what "drives" the compulsive behavior. Yet knowledge is only the first step. It is then important to bring the love and truth of our Lord into those places of brokenness in the human heart.
The work of Dr. Bob Schuchts brings together the spiritual and psychological dimensions that underlie compulsion.
Resources:
The book Be Healed is a great introduction to understanding your story as a story of brokenness and healing.
The podcast Restore the Glory covers much of the same material. The "Anatomy of a Wound" series is particularly helpful.
The book Be Restored: Healing Our Sexual Wounds through Jesus' Merciful Love is quite good, but can be challenging to undertake alone. It may be wise to read this book in the context of a small group, meetings with a Catholic therapist, or with your accountability partner.
Deliverance Ministry
“I came to proclaim liberty to captives.” – Jesus, Luke 4:18
When one has sex outside of marriage, there is the additional spiritual bond called a "soul-tie" or "unholy attachment" that needs to be addressed. Sexual union touches upon the spiritual dimension of man and woman. When sexual union occurs chastely within marriage, it strengthens the sacramental bond. Yet, outside of marriage, it causes an unholy bond to form, through which Satan can manipulate both persons.
For those with a history of extramarital sexual activity, it may be helpful to reach out to the Catholic Renewal Center. The Renewal Center is part of the Archdiocese of St. Louis, and you can set up an appointment for prayer ministers to lead you through prayers breaking spiritual bondage. Resources: Catholic Renewal Center website
For the more intellectually minded, the Theology of the Body by St. John Paul II is the most comprehensive work we have from the Church on the theology of the human body. Within St. Louis, you may consider reaching out to the Image of God Institute to attend a retreat to learn about this dimension of theology, which can help purify your understanding and experience of human sexuality via the intellectual life: https://imageofgodinstitute.org/
Third Dimension: Fostering physical habits conducive to well-being and purity.
Here is the summary. I explain the rationale below:
Summary:
Regular cardio exercise followed by cold/cool showers.
Pray 20 minutes a day without your phone present.
Eat mostly chicken, fish, and veggies.
Eliminate screens as much as possible.
Rationale:
As humans, we are shockingly physical creatures. As important as inner healing work is, it must be accompanied by habits that re-form our approach to life in a manner consistent with purity.
There is a twofold goal of habit formation: (1) To remove near occasions of sin. (2) To rewire fulfillment away from "gratification" and towards "well-being".
Removing Near Occasions of Sin
To remove near occasions of sin, reflect for a moment: Where do I encounter images of the human person that trigger my sexual desire?
The next step is to eliminate the places where the triggering happens.
If you go to a gym and the workout clothing of other gym members is triggering, stop going to the gym. Even if does not directly cause arousal, but puts you in a state of heightened sexual tension, it is likely worth eliminating from your routine. Can you afford exercise equipment at home? Can you change your style of workout to be less gym-dependent? Is there a men's or women's exercise group you might join?
If it is your phone or iPad, consider getting the "brick" as a way of shutting down the device. Be sure to be moderate in what is "allowed" to be sure it fosters a sustainable habit: getbrick.com.
You should buy a physical alarm clock so that you can entirely eliminate screens from your bedroom. Charge your phone in the kitchen or sitting room.
If it is your laptop, consider if you need to have your laptop at home at all. Keeping it at work or in your car can remove the ability to readily access it.
Fostering Well-Being
There are two kinds of "happiness experiences" that we seek out.
The first is an endorphin-reward-system, in which we experience pleasure through gratifying physical desires: delicious food, sex, alcohol, and screens all induce endorphin release within the brain.
The second is a dymorphin-reward-system, in which happiness is experienced through overcoming a challenge: going on a run, a cold shower, fasting, and meditative prayer, cause a release of dymorphins, which release more slowly but for a longer duration in the brain.
(When you go on a brisk run, you will likely feel "trim" for the next few hours, whereas having a cookie is fulfilling for only a few minutes).
Mainstream western culture disproportionately fosters the endorphin-reward-system. Have you ever noticed that our whole economy is predicated upon people consuming things? Our system of prosperity depends on a population forever craving more. Many companies grow by studying how to make you discontent with the goods that you currently have so you purchase their products.
Creating a balance between dymorphin and endorphin release fosters physical freedom. Balance is the key. St. Francis de Sales said, "It is not in strong self-denial that great passions are overcome, but through moderation."
Here are a few practical habits to introduce some dymorphine-reward-loops into your daily schedule:
Cardio-vascular exercise (going on a brisk run or walk) resets your harmonal system, creating a more moderate relase of testosterone than weightlifting. It also releases dymorphines.
Cold showers (which feel especially good after cardio-vascular exercise) have a similar effect to a brisk run.
Foregoing snacking between meals (within reason).
Seeking out recreation that is person-oriented rather than consuming-oriented, such as playing board games with friends over watching TV.
What we eat also has an impact on how quickly our body responds with sexual tension. St. Thomas Aquinas pointed out that red meat, fats, and sugar all predispose a person physically to sexual arousal, whereas a diet of more vegetables, fish, and chicken creates a balanced hormonal state.
The default diet for many in the United States includes high amounts of fats, sugar, and red meat, all of which can predispose one to sexual tension and arousal.